Confusions and Complexities

So, it's been a while since I have written in any kind of prose style. Poetry has been a bit overwhelming in terms of my creative direction.

For me, emotions are things to be felt, acknowledged, and then guided- kept in a certain amount of check. People who are over-emotional, or excessively passionate, annoy me. I enjoy rationality, calmness and logic in my life. Now, this isn't to say that I am a cold-hearted, unfeeling bitch. Not by any means. I do have emotions- happiness, sadness, anger, love- I just know when they are irrational, and I always try to maintain a degree of perspective, where my feelings are in balance with what is causing them.

However, recently I have entered a world where this is not the case. Things are complex, and I can't unravel the maze in my head. And I hate it. I want my romantic life to be straight-forward, I want people to say things when they mean it, and tell me when they don't. The thing is, my love entanglements are never, ever like that. I seem to choose partners who are either emotionally immature, emotionally out of control, or emotionally malicious. As the common theme to all my past relationships and flings is me, it begs the question; what is it exactly that I am doing so wrong? I doubt it's a subconcious masochistic desire.

And, oh my god- I can't help it, I would do anything to stop it; I think I'm falling in love with the wrong man. There's no one I can tell.

I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believe
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me

Music- John Mayer- Edge of Desire.

xxx

Silence

You lent me this borrowed beautiful boldness
With needed caresses exploring acres of skin
Still somehow I intended spite for words unsaid
So they loved me and took me home for feasts of
Laughter but those late hours brought something new
Like longing, an irretrievable instant of no return
A point of gradual collision, crash of blinding glass
Embedded in cardiac moments.

Then you crept up like gentle kisses along my spine
With skinny love of my bones, and you could
Always do it better until there is now now now
Nothing but silence, damning silence. And I don't know
Whether it is my body or my mind that is empty
Without you.



Music- Some fucker mowing the lawn far too loudly outside my window.

xxx

I Dare You

They fall to earth on a fantasy of certain chemical boldness
The taste of lips wet with vodka and surprise
And those soft white hips curving with the gravity of
Fairy footsteps as she steps on guitar strings of sound
Pleasure gratified in the dirt under his nails
Her body full of inexplicable newness she could
Almost be a child and this is not the first praying
That it will not be the last time she glides over his
Dark eyes hot and deep peeling off layers of soul
Stripped to burning muscles burning flesh burning heart
It has been so long and it will be so good when he is inside
Tight skin parted over firm waist her breath on
His neck like pure potent knife thrust and down she rides
As a voice reminds this is suicide.


Music- Edwyn Collins- A Girl Like You

xxx