Tough Times

There's that famous old adage that bad things come in threes. Well, it seems that at the moment I'm having a bit of a run of hard luck. It has really been one of those weeks when everything just seems to get on top of you. Firstly, my laptop has utterly fucked itself; it barely turns on, and when it does it just freezes and refuses to even shut down when you so much as try to open a programme. I now have to take it to a repair shop and pay God knows how much to get it fixed. That's £200 I really don't have to spare- £200 which means that I now won't be going to Paris in February, as I had hoped I might be able to. Secondly, I was really looking forward to seeing A this evening, before she heads back up to Nottingham for the semester. But due to unforeseen circumstances for which she is not to blame, it's likely that she won't be coming at all. Thirdly, and most importantly, which isn't bad luck at all but a huge issue, is K.

I'm trying so hard, but it is truly difficult. I am not going to leave- I refuse to just walk away when he needs me. But it's just terrible because he will not admit it, he will not let me in. And there comes a point at which he is going to drag me down with him, and as selfish and as cold as this sounds, I have to think of myself first. I am not going back to those darker days, and I am certainly not having a repeat of J. P is helping me so much on this issue, and I am truly grateful to her, but my head is such a whirl, and I can feel myself disappearing into my own mind again. There are so many things in my head. I have to organise my life some how. Last weekend showed that I definitely don't want to leave him. I just have to learn not to take it all to heart, that it's not him, simply this thing that shrouds his real personality. The hardest thing is the erratic nature of it all. There are tiny improvements, and then huge steps back. No, the hardest thing is not being kissed by someone I truly care about. I am afraid we will lapse into friendship, and only that.

Music- Silence; I am at the library due to laptop retardation.

xxx