There's that famous old adage that bad things come in threes. Well, it seems that at the moment I'm having a bit of a run of hard luck. It has really been one of those weeks when everything just seems to get on top of you. Firstly, my laptop has utterly fucked itself; it barely turns on, and when it does it just freezes and refuses to even shut down when you so much as try to open a programme. I now have to take it to a repair shop and pay God knows how much to get it fixed. That's £200 I really don't have to spare- £200 which means that I now won't be going to Paris in February, as I had hoped I might be able to. Secondly, I was really looking forward to seeing A this evening, before she heads back up to Nottingham for the semester. But due to unforeseen circumstances for which she is not to blame, it's likely that she won't be coming at all. Thirdly, and most importantly, which isn't bad luck at all but a huge issue, is K.
I'm trying so hard, but it is truly difficult. I am not going to leave- I refuse to just walk away when he needs me. But it's just terrible because he will not admit it, he will not let me in. And there comes a point at which he is going to drag me down with him, and as selfish and as cold as this sounds, I have to think of myself first. I am not going back to those darker days, and I am certainly not having a repeat of J. P is helping me so much on this issue, and I am truly grateful to her, but my head is such a whirl, and I can feel myself disappearing into my own mind again. There are so many things in my head. I have to organise my life some how. Last weekend showed that I definitely don't want to leave him. I just have to learn not to take it all to heart, that it's not him, simply this thing that shrouds his real personality. The hardest thing is the erratic nature of it all. There are tiny improvements, and then huge steps back. No, the hardest thing is not being kissed by someone I truly care about. I am afraid we will lapse into friendship, and only that.
Music- Silence; I am at the library due to laptop retardation.
xxx
Tuesday, 26 January 2010
Tuesday, 19 January 2010
Poetry
Druid Tree
Magnificent. Barren
It had come crashing, breaking the air
With dead branches splayed on forest floor
Limbs to crack musty wormed earth with sound
Only resonant now to silence and peeling bark
Yet it was here, waiting
Looming from gloom like a thing of wonder
Waiting, for us.
We crawled unsteady across thick strong arm, safe
To dangle laced boots above shallow glass
With icy pebbles gurgling hidden under meek water
We dreamt of druids in waning russet-blue sky
Pale with whispers of vanished people
Ancient deep barbarous wisdom, so lost and terrible and raw,
Made me think of the power of this moment
Of you of love, although I did not say.
Time to capture stilled moments for forever, for it was
Beautiful, so beautiful in half-light half-knowledge of
This silent emotion that stuffed crisp cold air
With tentative baby steps until our fingers entwined
And you said that now would bring you happiness in sadness
I was mute with trembling unsure truth
So I said Forever, despite impossible infinity that neither
You nor I believe in.
And we stayed,
Even though I was scared of gentle darkness
Cigarette-breath rising ethereal grey from lips
That tasted of smoke in lungs, mine, and
Bittersweet passion that rose, ghostly, like
Those old mystics in
The fear of all the things I wanted to do to
You.
Music- Placebo- Meds
xxx
Magnificent. Barren
It had come crashing, breaking the air
With dead branches splayed on forest floor
Limbs to crack musty wormed earth with sound
Only resonant now to silence and peeling bark
Yet it was here, waiting
Looming from gloom like a thing of wonder
Waiting, for us.
We crawled unsteady across thick strong arm, safe
To dangle laced boots above shallow glass
With icy pebbles gurgling hidden under meek water
We dreamt of druids in waning russet-blue sky
Pale with whispers of vanished people
Ancient deep barbarous wisdom, so lost and terrible and raw,
Made me think of the power of this moment
Of you of love, although I did not say.
Time to capture stilled moments for forever, for it was
Beautiful, so beautiful in half-light half-knowledge of
This silent emotion that stuffed crisp cold air
With tentative baby steps until our fingers entwined
And you said that now would bring you happiness in sadness
I was mute with trembling unsure truth
So I said Forever, despite impossible infinity that neither
You nor I believe in.
And we stayed,
Even though I was scared of gentle darkness
Cigarette-breath rising ethereal grey from lips
That tasted of smoke in lungs, mine, and
Bittersweet passion that rose, ghostly, like
Those old mystics in
The fear of all the things I wanted to do to
You.
Music- Placebo- Meds
xxx
Sunday, 10 January 2010
25 Things
Stolen from G.
1. I value love (romantic and platonic) more than I let on, but bonds are severed easily. I'm not going to waste my time.
2. I really love food.
3. I fear ugliness in myself, but crave imperfection in others. I find perfection uninteresting.
4. I've found a surprising catharsis in writing poetry.
5. University is probably the best thing I've done with my life so far.
6. I'm ambitious, but not determined.
7. It's easier not to care for people, but the people for whom I do can count on my loyalty.
8. I like to be held close, but not by just anyone.
9. Of all my body parts, I prefer my legs and my hair.
10. I dislike my face.
11. I think my tattoo is sexy, and most definitely want more.
12. I love writing, but the mood has to strike me or I churn out rubbish.
13. I wish I was more talented musically.
14. I've ignored the advice of doctors and I don't regret it.
15. I would like not to be held back by so many inhibitions.
16. I resent stupid people and children.
17. I have had many flings, four relationships, and have loved twice; both times have been unconventional, and once unrequited.
18. My sexuality is an important part of me, but I don't feel that it makes me who I am. I don't feel the need to broadcast it to the nation.
19. I find security and sense in rationality, and am annoyed by public over-emotional displays.
20. I am creative and like to avoid the social norm.
21. I like to find people with interesting minds.
22. Mistakes are different from regrets- I have many of the former and endeavour to have few of the latter.
23. Even so, there are certain things which are unforgivable, and I will make sure to tell you so.
24. I believe revenge can be quite satisfying.
25. I drink like a Russian, and party like a fool, but its nice to balance this with culture and things that actually benefit my life.
Music- Flaw- Payback
xxx
1. I value love (romantic and platonic) more than I let on, but bonds are severed easily. I'm not going to waste my time.
2. I really love food.
3. I fear ugliness in myself, but crave imperfection in others. I find perfection uninteresting.
4. I've found a surprising catharsis in writing poetry.
5. University is probably the best thing I've done with my life so far.
6. I'm ambitious, but not determined.
7. It's easier not to care for people, but the people for whom I do can count on my loyalty.
8. I like to be held close, but not by just anyone.
9. Of all my body parts, I prefer my legs and my hair.
10. I dislike my face.
11. I think my tattoo is sexy, and most definitely want more.
12. I love writing, but the mood has to strike me or I churn out rubbish.
13. I wish I was more talented musically.
14. I've ignored the advice of doctors and I don't regret it.
15. I would like not to be held back by so many inhibitions.
16. I resent stupid people and children.
17. I have had many flings, four relationships, and have loved twice; both times have been unconventional, and once unrequited.
18. My sexuality is an important part of me, but I don't feel that it makes me who I am. I don't feel the need to broadcast it to the nation.
19. I find security and sense in rationality, and am annoyed by public over-emotional displays.
20. I am creative and like to avoid the social norm.
21. I like to find people with interesting minds.
22. Mistakes are different from regrets- I have many of the former and endeavour to have few of the latter.
23. Even so, there are certain things which are unforgivable, and I will make sure to tell you so.
24. I believe revenge can be quite satisfying.
25. I drink like a Russian, and party like a fool, but its nice to balance this with culture and things that actually benefit my life.
Music- Flaw- Payback
xxx
Friday, 8 January 2010
Even More Poetry
Alice Down the Rabbit Hole
That old thing
It knows you and you know it
It has become the glove that fits
Even if the hand fights back with
Cruel desperate gnarled attack
Of the old oak in dying frozen season
Wise hollow haggard old bitch- you're a hack
My dear, once again you have lost your track
Of mind
Teetering on blind brink a pendulum
Until the plunge--- Alice down the rabbit hole
Tumbling twirling snatching
Her orgiastic abandonment of falling
But you can't get back
To the tiny flickering light-hope
Fading inexpressably far from swollen laziness
It is Juliet's tomb of Romeo's corpse
Soft sensual decay welcoming nihlistic tragedy
Hamlet's lost his mirth for all the world's a stage
Deep sadness, deeper than the rolling
Indigo fear of deepest ocean. Unquenchable
Savage savage savage despair
That old thing
You know it and it knows you
Like the bits of self not quite new
Stitched in vague contempt of all your
Vain pathetic failed attempts
To make a skin from dying frozen reason
Still hollow haggard old bitch- you're exempt
From soul, dear- Lecter's patchwork masterpiece...
Music- Not quite silence
xxx
That old thing
It knows you and you know it
It has become the glove that fits
Even if the hand fights back with
Cruel desperate gnarled attack
Of the old oak in dying frozen season
Wise hollow haggard old bitch- you're a hack
My dear, once again you have lost your track
Of mind
Teetering on blind brink a pendulum
Until the plunge--- Alice down the rabbit hole
Tumbling twirling snatching
Her orgiastic abandonment of falling
But you can't get back
To the tiny flickering light-hope
Fading inexpressably far from swollen laziness
It is Juliet's tomb of Romeo's corpse
Soft sensual decay welcoming nihlistic tragedy
Hamlet's lost his mirth for all the world's a stage
Deep sadness, deeper than the rolling
Indigo fear of deepest ocean. Unquenchable
Savage savage savage despair
That old thing
You know it and it knows you
Like the bits of self not quite new
Stitched in vague contempt of all your
Vain pathetic failed attempts
To make a skin from dying frozen reason
Still hollow haggard old bitch- you're exempt
From soul, dear- Lecter's patchwork masterpiece...
Music- Not quite silence
xxx
Thursday, 7 January 2010
More Poetry
Winter
Something real was the intention
I refused to kneel before the altar
Of fairytale and fantasy. Get a grip
I said to make it seem more visceral
Instead of a half-baked scheme broken
Like the cracked and cold lips which
Never spoke the words I want you
To choke. This sticky gloom of underwater
Swimming that is truly drowning echoes
That silent cry why won't you talk
To me of violent thoughts in your
Childlike head. For you have every right
To believe that innocence doesn't exist
And leave nothing inside except frightened
Dreams of a decrepid mind. But you are wrong
If not in hope in beauty as you struggle
To cope the frost chills the breath to
Perfection like pure crystalline love
Glittering in the half-light- so exquisite
Until the twilight of life is remembered.
It seems so unfair.
Music- Ellie Goulding- Starry Eyed
xxx
Something real was the intention
I refused to kneel before the altar
Of fairytale and fantasy. Get a grip
I said to make it seem more visceral
Instead of a half-baked scheme broken
Like the cracked and cold lips which
Never spoke the words I want you
To choke. This sticky gloom of underwater
Swimming that is truly drowning echoes
That silent cry why won't you talk
To me of violent thoughts in your
Childlike head. For you have every right
To believe that innocence doesn't exist
And leave nothing inside except frightened
Dreams of a decrepid mind. But you are wrong
If not in hope in beauty as you struggle
To cope the frost chills the breath to
Perfection like pure crystalline love
Glittering in the half-light- so exquisite
Until the twilight of life is remembered.
It seems so unfair.
Music- Ellie Goulding- Starry Eyed
xxx
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